Dodging Killer Soap Bullets

Get down! Another shot fired over my head. I was army crawling across our kitchen floor. Soap bullets were flying everywhere. Our Simple Human Automatic Soap Dispenser decided to become a machine gun turret. I have no idea what went wrong. I was cleaning dishes and then all of the sudden, the soap dispenser turned into one of those killer machines from Stephen King’s novel, Maximum Overdrive. I was getting shot at! I grabbed the angry device and felt for every button I could find. I pushed them all. The thing wouldn’t turn off. It kept on shooting me. So, I took cover. I didn’t know what else to do.

I hit the deck and began sliding around on my stomach on the kitchen floor. The soap dispenser was above me on the sink still firing away at regular intervals. I wondered how much soap it had left. I tried to wait it out a bit, but when one of the soap bullets landed in my hair, I knew it was time to call my wife.

“What, are you kidding me? The soap dispenser is shooting at you?” asked my wifey.

“Yes,” I said.

“But, how could that be happening, asked my wife.”

“Listen wifey, it’s bad. I need your help. I don’t know how much time I have left.”

“Well husband, something must obviously be triggering it.”

“No, it’s possessed!” I felt another soap bullet land on my back.

“It’s not possessed. Are you sure there is nothing in the way of it’s sensor?”

“How would I know? This is what happens when you leave a blind man home alone!” A soap bubble flew into my mouth as I pleaded with my wife for help.

Wifey suggested that I carefully rise and not slip on the soapy kitchen tiles. My mission was to rush the soap dispenser and knock it into the sink. There, it could fire away to it’s heart’s content. All of its ammunition would just go down the drain. I made my move. I stuck my hand out toward the evil soap dispenser. My fingers touched the countertop. It felt like it was covered in slime. Now I knew how Bill Murray felt in the movie Ghostbusters when he was attacked by the ghost, Slimer. I grabbed the slippery, little devil and threw it into the sink. The fun was finally over for this renegade shooter.

When my wife came home, she saw the mess in the kitchen and believed my story. She clearly saw that I was under a full red alert attack. It took some time to recover from the assault. I took a lot of shrapnel that day, but I survived the ambush. When my wounds healed, my wife greeted me once again with a sponge, a sink loaded with dishes and a new Simple Human Automatic Soap dispenser waiting for me. I anxiously waved the sponge in front of it. A soap bullet shot out and landed on the sponge. I sighed with relief and began scrubbing a dinner plate. Thankfully, that bullet didn’t have my name on it. I would live another day!